No Confidence – No Personal Peace. Could you be using the wrong model?

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Every One Is Different

No amount of positive thinking and positive self talk will overcome self-doubt.  This is an alarming message and one that needs to be addressed especially by  those who are anxious, fearful, and in some extreme cases terrified.

Confidence is a wooly word. It does not serve to define what underpins the state that it is meant to represent. Confidence is better thought of as certainty. So someone who said they lack confidence is saying that they lack certainty. How certain we need to be is variable. One person may need a lot of reassurance while another needs little. Not having a sufficiently high degree of certainty leaves us with a high degree of fear.

I am not talking about those who have an optimistic view of events, nor those who project a bright perspective and see the good in most situation.  Those kinds of people are fortunate and go on to spread goodness. At some stage in their development they have adopted a constructive attitude that has served them well.

What stops us from developing a constructive attitude is buried deep in our psyche. It is mostly born in childhood and causes incalculable damage in our adulthood. The vast majority learn from what they see and hear.

This is a process known as modelling. We are often unaware of how aware children are of their environment. Children pick up on everything. Words, tone, mannerisms, behaviours, attitudes and perspectives. The way we see the world is made up largely from the way the world was presented to us.

Imagine, not that you would need to imagine too hard, someone from you past that you were emotionally close to who exhibited some characteristics that now you emulate.  Pick something pleasant and just enjoy the moment. It may be something that you only do now and then, perhaps something that you just think as a funny trait of yours. The way you stack plates or position your pens on the desk. It may be the way you walk or the way you talk. The way we eat and even or table manners are all modelled. There are probably hundreds if not thousands of example.

If we are modelling behaviours, we are modelling a whole lot of other things, some good, some great, some not so good and some damaging to us. One of the important things that we model is attitude. Unknowingly  we develop attitudes from our parents and other influential people in the developmental stage of our life. It is funny when we see an elder child who has been told off for doing something wrong by a parent then go on and mimic the same attitude, facial expressions, words and tone with a younger sibling.

This leaves us in a state of anxiety or fear certainly not peace.It seems to me that many of our self doubts come about from having a role model that did not represent the best of attitudes possible. I might suggest that every now and then we stop and explore some of the attitudes that do not serve our best interest. What we are good at doing is seeing something and doing it. That is one of the magical abilities that we as humans have. The ability to adapt through change has saved us over millions of years.

Because we behave in particular way does not mean we need to continue behaving in the same way. Just because you have decided on a perspective about your abilities does not necessarily mean that you need to continue doing so. What might help is to pause and ask yourself who had such low self esteem and self worth that you are modelling. This is important for you. Just remind yourself that it came from another, that it was not your lack of self worth. You may unknowingly have adopted an others image.

Stop and acknowledge that, that mindset, that attitude, that low self esteem is not yours (this may be difficult for some.) The attitude that you have developed about your abilities has served to undermine your experience of life.